Many things've been through my mind hur. Nowadays..
It's weird, somehow, I feel that I am the cause of all my own probs.
Why? The much anticipated always, almost never arrived.
Perhaps I've been overlooking somewhere and then I got lost. Being blinded by my own hands.. falling on your own isn't something you really expect.
I've been thinking much about families too.
How much sacrifice and unexplainable love a parent can give to a child?
Thinking about it, it takes so much, of this damned world.
When we're young, who brought us up?
Who reprimands when we did mistakes, who teaches when we needed help? Who was they to give hugs and lend shoulders when we cried?
Who was it who was really hurt when they watch us cry?
Who was it who forgives over and over again for the repeated mistakes we made?
Who was it that was there for you even when the whole world fucking walks out on you?
Who was it who read bednight stories and patted us to sleep? Sang lullabies and sang nursery rhythms?
Someone who looks at us when we were just a little one and go, "Look at my beautiful child..." ?
Someone who sacrificed 9 months just to give birth to us?
Someone who sacrificed their sleep and tend to us when we wail in the middle of the night?
Someone whom had so much patience just to teach us how to walk and blabber words? Carried/piggy-backed us when we were a kid?
Who was it that we will always cry out to when we were little toddlers?
Who was it who will always give in when we argue?
Who was it who really felt the pain when we fought?
Who was it who will keep annoying us with endless questions even if we refuse to answer?
Who was it that nagged at us when we fell down from running around?
Who was the one who took unconditional care of us when we were ill?!
Who was it that bought us our teddy bears when we wanted it?
Who was it that truly felt happiness when they see us smile?
Who was it that felt so proud when we achieve something?
Who was it who will always help when we had money issues?
Who was it that will work hard to provide us with a happy life?
Who was it that will always welcome us back home?
Who was it who will suffer in silence willingly cos of us?
Who was it who will always remember our birthdays?
Who was it who will prepare a birthday party when we were young?
Who was it who gave us our first birthday when we were 1 years old?
Who was it who gave a home to live in?
Who was it who will look over us when we sleep?
Who was it who will give all their best to give us what we want?
Who was it that will always remember us even when they're gone?
Who was it that will be the hardest to let go.. when they're gone?
Who...
WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFf, I had enough. The hardest part is, looking back at my childhood and seeing how jovial and innocent every kid has used to be. Then as we grow up, somehow, the harsh reality of the world hits our conscience and our senses. We start worrying, we start growing, we start to rebel, we start to change, from the little kid whom have always wanted to be at their parents' side, hugs and kisses and everything, to a teenager, young adult..
Pops told me not long ago while watching TV, "See, the young girl was so happy when she see doll dolls. Just like you when you were small.."
How am I supposed to respond? I just laughed it off even though I was on the verge of..
How I wish we could all go back then? But it's just a fucking wish, do wishes really come true? I mean, face reality man Christina, this is crap. You're just digging your own trap. Great, this fall came at a right time. Every fall'll just push me harder to do things to forget every.. every shit.
And, I miss.. it. The way we used to stick together, talk, share silly secrets, crack jokes and curse together. Omfg, why is everything so different. Maybe I'm too slow, I just need time to catch up. I realised it's not her who have changed, it's me who have been behind time. Even when we're together, the distance is too deep, I feel it. I dont know why, maybe it's just me. Everything've changed, I realised it long ago, but I chose to neglect it.
I've got so much more things to say.. but..
What's the point?
A glowing hope, is blown out.
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