Breast friend Wafi talked some sense into me today. I guess I was selfish. He was right. Trust is a choice. My friends, my boyfriend, my family.. They are more than willing to accept my trust in them. I was just blinded by overthinking. Maybe I was just so afraid of putting my trust in anyone. I'm a sensitive person and I tend to keep it up, because I don't want anyone to feel that I'm needy or emotional. Then this bulids up till full to the brim and I just cry it all out alone, of course, without being a burden to anyone. And it goes on repeat. I guess that's how my life goes. Trust isn't just about telling all your secrets and having them keep it a hush. I'm talking about that Trust, you put into someone and believe that they will never want to hurt you physically or emotinally. That they will never make use of you or step on top of your head to gain something for themselves. That they will never badmouth and backstab you with other friends.
No one is perfect, I admit. I'm sure everyone will have at least done one of the actions I've mention, I am guilty too. I guess that's why they say life is a risk-taker. It's either you decide to trust that person, and had em crushing that trust like a paper cup, or not trusting a person, who is totally trust-worthy? You'll never know.
Yknow what I'm saying? The world is too harsh for the word, Trust.
Thinking about it, it's just so sad. How I understood the phrase, "Trust is like a mirror. Once broken, you can fix it back, but you'll still see the cracks."
Because right now, I can still feel it. That void.
That vague moment, sitting on the closed toilet seat in the handicapped cubicle, hiding away from everyone, listening to My Chemical Romance's Desert Song.
We hold in our hearts, the sword and the faith
Swelled up from the rain, clouds move like a wraith
Well after all, we'll lie another day
And through it all, we'll find some other way
To carry on through cartilage and fluid
And did you come
To stare or wash away the blood?
Yes, I will and can forgive, but will never forget the moments that scar me for life. This song pulled me through, and it tells me that, yes, we'll always wonder if tomorrow every comes. It will, if you grit your teeth, pick yourself up with all the last remaining strength you have, and fight for your battle to a stronger you.
This is why I had the first paragraph inked.
It tells me to always prepare myself for obstacles (swords up) and hold faith (aka shield) for people whom I love and loves me back the way I do.
And I had it remind me that even if every last person I ever loved had betrayed me (super touch wood), I have myself and I'll fight for ME till my very last breath.
For now, I'll try to put my past aside, and learn to start trusting. Cherish every single of your loved ones before it's too late.
I am ready.
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