i can't figure it out. One part of me detests you to the very core, the other. grateful for that painful lesson you taught me; never love somebody who doesn't love you as much as you love them.
I hate the feeling, knowing that you will smirk if I cried, if I screamed my lungs out.. I hate the feeling, that defeated feeling. It's like you know how fucking much I loved you and you took advantage of that.
After months and I found the guts to type this out.. People might think I dumped you, simply like that, I'm the bad one. But doubt any one have been thru the shit you put me through.
Remember when I made valentine cookies and you told me Valentine's Day is bullshit and did not even attempt to celebrate with me until we quarrelled. Maybe you just wanted to make me feel better, make it up.
I forgave you.
Remember when you started working and had your pay. You just went out almost everynight with your friends. That's ok, but sometimes you don't even let me know where the FUCK are you and I was so worried cos you don't even tell me when you're home.
That's not all.
When I asked if we could meetup and go out, you told me you HAD NO MONEY. NEVERMIND, I could pay for the meals, but that's just an excuse cos you're just too lazy to even meet me. But others? No problem. So I stopped by your place whenever I could.
When it got out of hands, no contact for a few days etc. You neglected me and rather spend your time somewhere else except for me. I didn't want to bother you so I just let it be when you don't message or call at all. I decide to give up. At the same time, yes I admit, there came another person involved.
Let's not mention about how you DON'T EVEN WANT TO COME AND FIND ME WHEN I WAS DROWNING MY SORROWS WITH LIQOUR.
Alot of things happened, I thought I should let you go and be with this other person cos he treated me really nice, but I still went back to you.
Things got better, until I started my attachment, then you got enlisted. it is fucking weird because when you came out of camp, sometimes you contact me and sometimes you don't. And the shittest feeling is that I don't even know when you are out of camp or even reached home? Cos you don't even message to let me know? Then you head out the whole day and since I only had offday every Monday, I thought, at least we could meet at night, short supper or talk, hey, at least I see you once a week. But no, you headed out the whole day and by night you told me you are tired. Too exhausted to actually meet me even if you haven't seen me for God knows how long.
WHY?
Then there's no contact, and I asked if anything's wrong, you said no. You told
me not to think too much. Do you still remember all this? It's so clear to me even now. I decided to believe you. I remembered it was a Saturday. No contact throughout the day though you have already booked out. I thought you would have asked me out, but you didn't. I wanted to watch a movie, so I went to watch Despicable Me, alone. In the middle of movie, you finally messaged me. It was around 1am.
You said you've been thinking and it's not healthy for us to go on cos of the lack of time we have for each other. (Seriously? Like you have the time to add girls on fb and update status but no time to even message/call me to ask about my day?) That you feel like you are wasting my time, and don't want to make me suffer alone any longer. I asked you for one final request, to meet you and clear things up on Saturday.
And the next moment, you had photos that consist of you and me taken off your facebook and even our relationship status. For days I can't even bear to go to that website because it fucking hurt. Mark, it really did.
I thought it was clear, you don't want this relationship anymore. I was ready to face it so that is why I want to meet you in person to tell me WHY, WHAT DID I DO WRONG and so many other questions running through this mind of mine. We agreed on Saturday, after my work and when you come back from camp. On that day, I smsed you to confirm the timing but you told me you had to go back to camp for EXTRA training. Adding on that YOU WILL TALK IT OVER WITH ME ON SUNDAY MORNING INSTEAD WHEN YOU ARE BACK.
Ok. I have no choice, I agreed.
But the next morning, I waited till 12pm. No calls, no messages. Messaged you, no replies and called you, no answers. YOU JUST FUCKING LEFT ME HANGING LIKE THAT. Can anyone imagine? You just went back on your words like you always did.. I still have to work at 3 that day and can you imagine how devastated I was?
The next day, you messaged me, told me you were sorry. That you reached home around noon, fell on the bed and slept till 6, woke up and had to rush to prepare for camp. Worst? YOU LEFT YOUR PHONE IN CAMP THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY.
Excuse or fact? If this relationship is even important to you, you would have remembered to bring your phone back. Ok, let's say even if you were really that forgetful and forgotten your phone, what about borrowing a phone from your family or even use the house phone? You knew my number, yet you don't even fucking have to initiative to make a call, not even message to me. You fucking know I was waiting for you, we were supposed to talk things out. Fucking heart broken.
And thru all that, I still forgave you and gave us a chance. You said you brought down and r/s status and our photos cos you thought I will just move on? What the.. Despite all those shit, you made it seem like you wanted to end things but you told me you still want this r/s. Ok, let's start anew.
Things were good, you promised things would be better cos you are sick of all the quarrels and fights. We hardly fight after that. 9 months. We been thru. You went on a 2 weeks outfield training, and when you came back, you said we could meet the next morning. But you cancelled cos of something else important. Didn't see you for so long, I missed you so much too. But that night you could actually plan to meet me after my work, or the next morning for brunch .... But I just can't understand why you didn't. And you said you missed me. You didn't even told me you don't have to return to camp UNTIL I saw you online on fb. Like....huh? Am I even your gf cos I don't even know what's happening?
Ok, you said that was because I told you let's meet next week then after you cancelled our meetup. That's because you told me you might have to book in on that day for extra training or something like that. And when you didn't even have to, you didn't even TELL ME? I fucking thought you had alr booked in. The fact is you're still here.
The sad thing is, I wouldn't even know or realise if I didn't went on facebook that night after I came back from work.
Remember when you went on mc for the whole fucking 5days and I fucking have no idea of it UNTIL I messaged you on Friday thinking you'll be back from camp. HUH???????????????????????????????????????
First you said you were TOO WEAK to contact me? Then you contradicted yourself and said that you went to eat Ichiban Sushi (jappo restaurant) at BPP with your Mum the day before I contacted you.
????????????????????????????????
Thanks, really. For all the lies, betrayal, broken promises, empty words and making me feel like a fucking fool.
I don't know if you still read this. If you do, if there's a fire burning inside you right now, if you are going to post some shit wuha abt me on your fb wall or somewhere, just know that I have loved you. I forgave you, you gave in to me, tried to understand me, but it's all not enough. Until today, there's still so many questions in my head, there are so many things that you did or simply did nothing to make me feel like you don't love me. Until today, I don't know how much you really loved me, or whether you even do?
If there ever come a day when a girl treats you the way you treated me, I hope you look back and reflect, and finally understand.
I know we both tried, and I have truly loved you once.
But when you let me walk away that day, it's clear to me...
That it's not worth looking back at this r/s anymore..
I hope you find happiness.
Monday, January 17
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